An open letter to my kids

Gavin and Kynlee,

 

You two are better than I could of ever dreamed of. Both of you are so beautiful, smart, kind and loving. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky to be your mother. I never seemed to make the right choices in life, but chosing to have you both were the two best decisions I have ever made in my life. You both are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, you are the best thing I have ever done or ever will do.

 

I try to be the best mother I can be. Sometimes it's hard. Someday you  will understand when you have children of your own. I'm sorry if I become frustrated, if I don't give you my undivided attention sometimes when you need it. I'm sorry I have to say no to you even when I don't want to but know that I have to. Your happiness will always come first.
 The pride I have for you kids is what keeps me going.
Your happiness keeps me going

 

 I give you my life, my everything. There isn't a single thing I wouldn't do for you, but somehow to me, it still isn't enough. I feel as though you deserve more than I am able to give. I work harder each day to provide you both with a good life, even if that means missing out on precious time with you being at work. I will always be your guardian and I vow to protect you for the rest of my life. I promise I will always be on your side and listen when you need me. Know you can always talk to me about anything, always, I will never judge you. Always reach for the stars never settle for anything or anybody. Always be yourself, do not change for anyone. Not for a girl, for a boy, for society not for anyone. You are perfect the way you are. Always defend those who cannot defend themselves.
 Be kind.

 

When the world tries to run you down, which it will. People are mean, the world is a mean place, always keep your head held high. Never let anyone tell you you can't do something. Never let anyone make you question your worth.You matter. Never let anyone tell you you aren't beautiful because you are, inside and out. Always love each other. One day when dad and I are no longer on this earth you will only have each other. Stand up for each other, help each other.

 

Someday you will fall in love and when you do, never settle for less than you deserve.
You deserve the best.
 

 Gavin- I hope you find a woman who is self-less, caring, loving, sweet, innocent and loves you more than the sun and the moon. A girl that is a true lady and is respectful to others, holds your hand, supports you, is nice to your mommy ALWAYS and lets you know each and everyday how handsome you are, these women become great mothers someday. Know that no woman is worth your tears. There are plenty of fish in the sea, don't settle for good enough. Don't be afraid to show your emotions and be affectionate.

 Kynlee- I hope you find a man who is self-less, caring, loving, sweet, a gentleman and loves you more than the sun and the moon. A gentleman that opens doors for you, holds your hand, holds you tight, likes to cuddle, is nice to your daddy ALWAYS and lets you know everyday how beautiful you are, these men make great fathers someday. Know that no man is worth your tears. There are plenty of fish in the sea, don't settle for good enough. Love yourself. Beauty comes in all shapes in sizes. Be a strong, confident, independent woman. 

 

No matter where life takes us, please know you will always be in my heart and I will always be in your hearts. I am proud of who you are and who you become. I love you will all of my heart forever and ever.

-Mom

 

P.S.
(for when you become know it all teenagers...)
1.Don't do drugs....period. Other kids will make you think it's cool. It's not cool, it's actually very stupid. Only losers do drugs. If there's anything you can trust me on it's this.
2. Never hesitate to call me if you've been drinking and need a ride home, I don't care what time it is. I will never be mad as long as you act responsibly and do not drink and drive, like ever...period.
3. Nothing in this world is ever that bad that you can't get through it, you can ask me for help always without judgement.
4. Don't ever think I don't know what you are going through or how you feel, I do. Been there done that.
5. Your life is valuable, you are not invincible, it will happen to you, so be careful.
6. Always drive responsibily, wear your seatbeat, no texting and drving.
7. I will always know where you are at...end of story.
8. Mama always knows best, again trust me.
9. I know all the tricks, don't try to fool me. Don't trick the trickster.
10. Repeat #8.


 

 

I miss you

I am feeling very emotional and sad as today marks 14 years that my grandma p has been gone. In November it will be 11 years my grandma k has been gone. (I will be posting about her at that time) By saying these two women were the best grandmas anyone could ever ask for would be an understatement. There is nothing these women loved more than their families, they devoted their entire lives to their family.

Grandma P was me, my sister and my mom's everything. Grandma P was one of the funniest women i've ever met. She would teach my sister and I inappropriate funny phrases in German, and always had a wise crack for anyone who would listen. She was an ornery woman. She was so fun. Grandma liked Richard Gere, Pretty Woman was on constant replay when my sister and I visited.  She loved figure skating and anytime it was on TV my sister and I would call grandma and talk to her about it, still to this day if I see someone figure skate, I instantly want to pick up the phone and call her. Grandma P lived with us for many years until she went to live in a senior community with my aunt. We visited her multiple times a week and spent the weekends taking her out to do things with us. She was not well for the majority of the time I remember. Grandma was on dialysis, had problems with her heart and eventually lost her short battle with pancreatic cancer. I was 12 and I was devasted. It was the first funeral I had ever been to and the first immediate family I had ever lost. I feel like every year that passes, I lose more and more of the great memories and it kills me. I only got 12 years with my grandma, and the majority of it would be hard for anyone to remember as I was pretty young. What I do remember is she loved us and how her face would light up when we visited especially when she was having a hard day in dialysis and we stopped by to help pass the time with her.

 The strange thing about dialysis is that my grandma had dialysis with my husbands grandpa. Grandma met my husband before I knew who he was. It makes me happy to know they actually met at one time even though she probably never thought for a minute that would be her grandson in-law someday. My aunt and my husbands grandma became fast friends when my grandma and his grandpa passed (in the same year). It wasn't until I went to his grandmas house with my aunt that I saw a picture of my friend (my sister-in-law) on her grandmas wall. I asked how she was realted to her and her grandma explained it was her grand-daughter. It wasn't until a couple years after that my sister in law and I would make our way into each others lives again when we were in the same group of friends and due to that, I spent alot of time at her house with her brother (my husband.) That is how I met my husband and I truely believe GOD works in mysterious ways and brought my grandma and his grandpa together for a reason, so that I could meet my husband and go on to have children of our own, their great grandchildren. My son Gavin's due date was September 16th the day my grandma passed away. However he was born on September 18th. I now have a happy memory of today knowing my sons birthday was supposed to be today. It helps with the feeling of loss I have every year to celebrate his birth shortly after. We have a boy and a girl. Gavin is sweet, kind, loving and calm like Gene was and Kynlee is wild, crazy, funny, quirky and loves everyone in her family like my grandma was. We got the best of both worlds back in our lives.

 I wrote grandma a letter the day of her funeral, I remember kissing her and slipping the note in her hands. I don't remember what it said, I wish I did but I am sure it was extremely devastating, but knowing that little bit of my heart (my writing) is still with her gives me peace. Our family was lost without her, we still are. We miss her terribly. There isn't a day that goes by where my heart doesn't miss her, and I feel as though a piece of my heart will always be missing until I see her again someday. I wish she were here to meet my kids, she would adore them. I know she is watching and I  truely believe that she did meet them before they were born, but I would love to see her with them now. I love you and miss you more than anything Gurdy. Until we meet again.

 

-Ali

Babies and Beaches!

Alot has been going on lately. I've been kind of in a writing rut. My last post pretty much consumes most of my thoughts day after day and it's really stupid. It has become an obsession, and I believe it's because I know it will not happen anytime soon. I am going to put it behind me and enjoy my life right now and live in this moment. I have been absent from my blog but I just really had alot going on and just didn't have the time to get all the photos together. So here it goes!

On August 23rd my niece, Nariah Lynae was born. It was a crazy couple of days. I was right there pretty much the whole time, walking aroung with my sister-in-law to progress her labor, getting her water, getting her a cold wash cloth and just sitting there and being with her letting her know everything would be ok and that the when she holds that little girl all the pain will be forgotten. I was at the hospital from 8pm on August 22nd to 2am on August 23rd. I didn't sleep that whole night because she was still in labor and still progressing and I was worried about her and anxious and just didn't want to miss the call that it was time to push. So at 10:00am my hubby and I rushed to the hosptial because it was time, we sat in the waiting room and Nariah was born at 12:15pm! I was in the waiting room the moment she was born and I rushed in there just after she was was born, at only maybe 3 minutes old! She is so beautiful and I just love her so much and my kids just love her too. My sister in law had a long labor, but she did such an amazing job and I am so proud of her. I don't care if it's my first niece or my latest newborn niece, I love them all the same and I am the proudest aunt there ever was, I am so lucky to be so blessed with all of the beautiful kids in my life.

Nariah Lynae

Proud uncle, the best uncle around (ask my nieces!)

Thanks for giving me a beautiful new niece sis in law! :-)

That same day Nariah was born, I was throwing my sister a suprise 30th birthday party and hour away where she lives. So I went home cleaned up and headed to the party. I am so upset with myself for not having literally ANY pictures of her party. It was so much fun and I decorated it so nicely! My phone was dead from sending out updates of the baby to family and friends, and getting a live feed of texts via inside the delivery room, and of course the TONS of pictures I had to snap of that little beauty! The party was so much fun, my family and I even stayed the night at my sisters house that night so we didn't have to drive an hour home late that night. My sister had no idea and was super suprised and she told me I threw her the best birthday she ever had. So I win. :-)

 

Labor day weekend was awesome! (Sunday) August 31st was my Dad's birthday, and his birthday wish was for our entire family to relax and have fun at the beach, so we did just that!

my sister photobombed
I said. "Dad let's take a selfie!" He said, "Oh great thats just what I want to do!"
Sarcastic old fart

My niece Rilynn is my daughters BFF!

we decided to let her in the selfie this time

Sis and I

The hubby walking with the kids

My love!

 

My main squeeze who wouldn't get out of the water



My niece Rilynn and my baby girl

 

I think she has seen mom take too many pictures
she leaned in to get a picture with niece



So finally my niece Brooklyn leaned in too

This is a beach bunny if I ever did see one!

Playing "horse balls" on the sand bar!

 

What a great and amazing end of summer the last 2 weekends! Best summer I have had in a long time!

Home

Having a house of your own may not seem like much to the average person my age. However many people my age or younger than me have fufilled their dream. I have literally dreamt and thought about having my own home every minute of everyday for the past 7 years. Realistically, I am only 26 years old and it isn't that uncommon that I don't own a home yet, but being a mother since I was 18, it's hard for me not to think about it day after day. I know my kids deserve everything I had when I was young. A yard, neighbor friends, their own rooms, pets and the memories that come with it. As a child, I always had a home, we didn't live in apartments. So therefore I feel as though I am failing as a parent, that I am failing my kids. My kids need for nothing, they have nice clothes, all the toys they could dream of and they are loved, and thats all that should matter, I should be satisfied. I have a good marriage, happy beautiful kids and I thank god for that everyday. I know someday I will have a house of my own, but it just seems so far away and I am not getting any younger and neither are my kids, they are literally growing up and their childhood is passing me by right before my very eyes. All I can do is work harder, pay off my debts and be patient. Being patient is VERY hard for me. This comes from the girl who always messes up her nailpolish because she is too impatient to wait for it to try, therefore creating more work for herself by having to re-paint said nails...Story of my life.

 

My poor mother, all I ever do is sit and complain and whine to her about how I want a house and yada yada yada. She explains to me that my time will come, and that I just have to be patient and when the time comes and we are ready everything will work out. I know it will work out, it's just hard to be so patient on such a big dream. I just want a place to call "home".