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| Jigsaw from the movie Saw |
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| That bike was not meant for a 200lb adult |
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| Chuckie, Freddy, Jigsaw, V for vendetta, a witch and Beetlejuice
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That night Gavin came down with a sore throat and has been sick ever since. I took him to the doctor and they gave him a strep test, but it came back negative, so he just has to wait it out. I hope he feels better for Trick or Treat on Thursday night. We have a birthday party and another halloween party on Saturday, hopefully we can make it if Gavin is feeling better.
Recently I have been feeling more down and ashamed of myself than I ever have in my entire life. My weight literally controls my whole life, the way I feel, the way I look, the way I think others see me, and the amount of time I spend playing with my kids because I am always so tired. ALL THE TIME. Here I am 26 years old and in worse shape than my 50 somethin' year old mother. Not saying people that are 50 are old or out of shape, but damn mama making me look all bad next to you...LOL Trick or treat proved this as my hips started to hurt from all the weight I am carrying around. I'm in terrible shape. I look at my body and think, ok, that part isn't too bad, but that could definetly use some work. I know my weight effects my spirit in huge ways because I never look people in the face, I avoid eye contact, and walk around with my head down. It could be worse, much worse, but to me this is as bad as I've ever been. Some people probably wouldn't agree with what I'm about to say, but as a woman sometimes you need to get this harmless confidence boost and I haven't gotten it in YEARS. I remember when I was smaller, men used to turn their heads my way, sometimes cat call but that no longer happens. I feel like an ugly woman that people don't find attractive. I know my weight doesn't define me. I am a nice person, I am a good mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I know I am a pretty girl, but I don't smile much anymore because I am ashamed of my weight. I am always self conscience with how my clothes fit, how they lay on my body, and how I look to others when I am moving around. I wear alot of jackets, alot of black and anything to hold my stomach in. I fake that I am comfortable with myself but I am not. I look in the mirror somedays and think ok you look good today, then someone takes a picture and I look at that picture in total shock at how I really look. In my mind I still see myself as being about 150lbs so imagine my suprise when I see a picture of 220lb me, yes thats right 220lbs. When I run into people I haven't seen in years, I cringe at how they must see me. Yeah i've had kids, my body was destined to change, but I don't think thats an excuse. Alot of women have babies everyday and bounce right back to what they looked like before having kids or sometimes better (those bitches!) but that is not what's in the cards for me unfortunatly. I should have started to lose weight after I had Gavin but I didn't. I remember shortly after I had him, crying on my bed because my clothes wouldn't fit and right then and there I knew my life was never going to be the same, my body was never going to be the same. I kept all the weight I gained with him and the extra flab, for 5 years I just didn't care. Then I had Kynlee and gained more weight, not alot, but I gained and didn't worry about that weight either. I tried doing T25 and it worked great I lost 10 pounds, but I couldn't stick with it. I couldn't stick with eating good either. Mcdonalds and I have a love hate relationship and have for many many years. It's cheap, it's easy and it's open 24 hours. I am a busy full-time working mom of 2. Mcdonalds gets eaten alot. I'm frustrated I let myself go this bad. I'm frustrated that I can't just get in control of the situation and lose the weight.
My friends and I decided we want to fight the good fight and join the gym and eat better. We did so well when we did it before, but I became pregnant with Kynlee and I stopped going, and everyone just kind of faded out unfortunatly. However, being that I am done having kids, and I feel like I am finally reallllly ready to commit, it would be a good idea to get everyone on board again, we even got a new friend to join, Donnie. Atleast this way with us all doing it, we can keep each other accountable, and make better food choices when we go out to dinner together. I really enjoy going to the gym versus working out at home. I tend to work out longer, and try harder when I see other people working so hard. I decided this time I refuse to post on FB/IG about going to the gym and that I am changing my lifestyle and eating. I hate seeing posts like that all the time, so I am going to strictly talk about it here on my blog to keep myself accountable. Nobody else has to see that unless they choose to come here, which by my follower count is absolutely nobody so thats good. So heres to another chance to be a better me. I really pray and hope that I can finally get in the right mindset this time, and really kick the weight off and keep it off. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be healthy and happy with myself. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself and my kids so they can have a more active and happy mom. Wish me luck!
-Ali
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